Earnestness. Definition of.
It appears that another class has graduated from me alma mater. This year they allowed a female to address the graduates. How long has this been going on? At any rate, the optimism on display is nauseating. The only acceptable optimistic commencement address can be found
here.
A deconstruction of the more naive parts of the speech.
Westmoreland:
I've never been able to fully understand the person with no drive, with no ambition. How can you not look out at the world and just want to spend your life trying to make it better?
Not technically a part of the speech, but what caught my attention. This is a person in desperate need of a little worldly guidance. Otherwise a few inevitable disappointments later, we will find ourselves susceptible to the smooth talking, world promising, film producing mavens of the San Fernando Valley.
And with that, I leave you with a transcript of my commencement speech to the Class of 2006. It was my first commencement address, but it won't be my last. Mark my words.
Also not technically part of the speech. Another commencement address? I'm confused by this. Is there a speakers bureau for this sort of thing? Does it pay anything?
Melissa Westmoreland's Address to the UNCG Class of 2006
The actual speech.
Good morning, my name is Melissa Westmoreland, and I bring greetings from the Class of 2006.
Greetings, y'all. I'm from Gamma Gamma 9. Ooops. I mean Kinston.
I love UNCG, and I can't even imagine leaving it, but then again, I'm excited about what the future may hold.
The answer, my dear, is graduate school. You can stretch it out for at least four years. This delays having to go to work and puts you that much closer to death once you do sign on somewhere. Also, dating your professors is not frowned upon as a graduate student. In fact, it's practically expected. Especially the married ones. Ask
Wharton. Existentialism. Learn it. Know it. Live it.
...I think the best part of graduation is not knowing what lies ahead of you.
I'm not sure why someone wouldn't know. It's fairly well documented. The only thing you may not know is for whom you will toil. However, it's all the same in the end now, isn't it.
So I have decided that, since I can't really give you any advice on how to land your dream job, I would leave you with something more along the lines of a plea: Please, whatever you do, do something GREAT.
Dear lord, yes. For you liberal arts people, you need to be prepared to refresh my drinks at exactly the right moment. Wait too long and I begin to get parched and I grow irritable. Come around too often and you're hovering. For someone to get it just right brings joy like nothing else.
The stereotype of a typical college student has gone from that of a passionate political protestor to a couch potato who will go to great lengths to keep from having to move one inch. Our generation is defined by convenience, laziness, and apathy.
Passionate political protestors? Who? Those dolts from the sixties? They only protested, got high and went to concerts because there were no big screen, high definition TVs and Xboxes for their parents to buy for them. Don't sell yourselves short. You are taking advantage of what previous graduates are making possible. It is now your job to go out and invent things to make life easier for your younger brothers and sisters. I'd personally like to see a little movement on the transportation front. They've had that teleport thing in various science fiction flicks for a while now. If I were able to go from my couch to the liquor store and back again without having to stand up, I'd be quite content.
This is our chance to prove them all wrong, to prove that we ARE motivated, that we CAN accomplish great things. This is our chance to make a difference in the world. I hate cliches, but I believe with all my heart that we can do anything we put our minds to.
Uh-huh. At some point you will be compelled to have children. Against all your better judgment you will inevitably think that if you don't, you will miss something important. And when you make this fateful decision and bring said demon into the world, you will find that their will is stronger than yours. You will lose faith in hated cliches. (Speaking of cliches, maybe you could invent a keyboard that allows one to put that little checkmark looking thing over 'e.' I'd also like that two dot thing over 'o' that Motorhead uses when they write their name.)
We, my fellow UNCG graduates, are the future. Society might have lowered its standards for our generation, but I have not. I want to see our graduates excelling in every field, curing cancer, solving world hunger, bringing peace to the Middle East! You might think I'm exaggerating, but that's really just how much I believe in the power of us. I want to see a UNCG graduate in the White House.
Is anyone hungry anymore? And can't we give up on peace in the Middle East already? Osama ain't listening to any twenty-two year olds from Greensboro when it comes to his political agenda. Perhaps we could get a new list of dire problems for commencement speakers and beauty pageant contestants to recite when commenting on their goals for their fellow man? Maybe something like let's excel by making sure that The Sopranos is extended for another season or let's figure out how to grow six-pack abs without having to go to the stupid gym.
We are in the best years of our lives. We are living in an amazing time. We are graduating from an excellent school. Use it all to your advantage.
Yeah. Don't screw it up.
Last, but certainly not least, never forget where you came from. Your dreams may pull you all over the globe, but never let UNCG slip from your mind.
Don't worry. UNCG will never slip from your mind. The alumni giving department has the ability to track you down wherever you may go. If you are climbing Mt. Everest and have not made your annual donation, you can be sure that there will be a sherpa with an envelope waiting for you at the summit.
So, all that being said, is the future as really as bleak for new graduates as I make out? For most of you, the answer is yes. It takes a lot of people to build that hump in the bell curve. (If you don't know what a bell curve is because you slept through statistics, don't worry, you're in it.) So, what should you do then, UNCG grads? Make life as easy as possible for your future bosses - the true elites and the folks who will really make a difference in the world - UNC Chapel Hill grads.